"forget the past, don't worry about the future, live in the present.. enjoy the moment!"
i've made this 'motto' by gathering cliches. it sounds like an ordinary saying but for me, it sounds so ideal because i think no one can do this 100%. i'm not idealistic and i don't like idealism because it just gives people expectations that cannot be met, it's like hoaxing other people. i'm actually the opposite of it. i love reality because you can see both sides (pros&cons). i love enjoying the moment because every moment for me is a blessing. 'every 60seconds you spent upset is a minute of happiness you can't get back'.. [enough about this]
Robbie and i aren't growing in any way. our friendship is still the same from the start and this is unlikely. i think it is just normal that every relationship grows and deepens but for us its not. we always see each other once a week and everytime i see him is the common thing. there wasn't a spark. it has lost its meaning it seems like a tradition or a tuesday ritual that we see each other this day but everything is just normal..
yes, i appreciate him but he's not making me happy anymore. i tried to enjoy the moment but it seems like i failed..
the first day of December is great for me... i don't know if i'm going to consider it as a sign but i believe it was. Robbie woke me up at 5am today and he asked me if i want to go to Starbucks. i couldn't reply because i got sero balance. he texted me thrice and called me but i accidentally cancelled it so i still had no reply. so i was a bit bothered because he might be annoyed with me and i don't want that to happen. i just had my quiet time (as usual). i've read the bible and prayed. for the first time, i asked God about him. i said, "Lord, if you would allow me to go out with Robbie please let him call again.." 10 minutes after i prayed, my phone rang and it was him. i felt so gratified because i asked God for it and he answered me so abruptly. it was a bit hard to believe. like the comon thing, he fetched me and we were so happy. he gave me a present, a smiley toy that when you bounce it to a hard thing (of course) it will light up in different colors. he told me he gave it to me because i was childlike. i was so touched.. i just felt so good..
looking back, i remember myself saying that i want to see anton. i want to make sure that he is now happy. but a while ago, as i was leaving the campus and heading towards the exit gate, i saw him, though he's a bit far and given the fact that i am nearsighted. i am certain that it was him. the height, hair, the way he walks and the glasses, even the shirt he was wearing is familiar. he's with a girl, younger than him [well, i'm younger than him also]. as expected, i hid from them. i looked for the nearest post and hid. after they passed, i looked behind them and i saw myself in that girl. he treated her the way he treated me. i even wanted to follow them but i was waiting for someone else. i didn't know exactly what i felt. i can't understand. but now at least i'm assured that he's fine. and i still don't know what to do and how t react. unbelievably, i didn't want to cry, i didn't feel like doing so...
I had an informal birthday celebration in a private resort in Laguna. The place was just right for the occasion. My relatives, church mates and friends in high school came. There were also friends who just greeted me through phone and it was fine. For me, as long as I know I was remembered engulfs me. But sadly, Kyle and Anton didn’t give a damn to greet me. They didn’t bother to remember me. So, I’ll forget about them also! This isn’t only about my birthday… Automatically, Kyle should be the first one to get in touch with me, why? 1) because I was the one who left the campus; 2) he should ask how am I [even just for formality sake]; 3) we became super close; 4) he and Anton were my first true friends in college; 5)he became a part of my life; 6) we’ve been through so many things; 7) he’s special to me, and the list goes on and on. For Anton, I know since then that I must forget about him. I am not as hurt as before but I’m just sort of NANGHIHINAYANG about the kind of relationship we’ve had before. Signs that confirm I must: first, I greeted him on his birthday and I got no reply. Second, he didn’t greet me on my, let’s emphasize on this, 18th birthday. Isn’t that an enough reason for him to swallow his pride just a little bit? I’m not asking for more, I just wanted to be remembered by him, that’s all. But I just realized, what for? I don’t know the answer for this.
Okay, forget about those two… my birthday was called a Thanksgiving celebration. Focusing on what God has made me. It was such a blessed day. It was lots of fun and hassle-free. The night was great. Kuya Dave and ate Hannah were the emcees. Kuya Dave looked really fetching. Lala wasn’t there but still it was great. I was awake that day from 8am oct.1 up to 8am oct.2. but I didn’t feel drowsy because I spent my midmorning with my cousins and it was not boring. Overall, I feel so, so blessed.
October 2
It was Mariet’s birthday. Though I felt so tired and I didn’t get enough sleep, I still went to her party. What made it amusing is the presence of our friends. They told me that even though I was worn-out, I’m still energetic. Exactly, because I don’t want to waste that moment. I mean, what’s the sense of going there if I’ll just sit there and dry out my saliva. We drank. Caroline smacked me on the lips twice. Yet and I kissed each other’s cheeks countlessly, and so many more. I really love those guys and how I missed them so much. I’m gonna count again several months or years before something like this could happen again.
"Christmas is just around the corner" is a cliche right? but i can barely feel it now.. cool breeze, early sunset, late sunrise, decorations, carols and all. the warmth that this season brings is truly amusing. i can't wait to receive presents and even simple greetings..
i'm missing robbie.. i really do. unlike before that he's with me everyday, now we need to schedule a certain date just to be together. unfortunately, there is always a conflict in our schedules. but at least he still finds a way just to be in touch with me. that's what i like about him, he doesn't forget you easily. i also missed the times that i was depending on him. i mean, before i miss assignments and stuffs very seldomly because he's there to remind me or to do that for me. now, i have no one to depend on. he's no longer with me. just to clear this, i'm not using him.
a while ago, i was about to pass our homework in prinac. our prof assigned it to us a week ago but irresponsibly, i wasn't able to do it. i hinged on the wrong person. i asked gorgette a favor of giving me what i needed for my assignment but she wasn't able to give it to me because as of her, she was trapped on a heavy traffic. i was really trying to understand her but i couldn't. it frustrates me because i have set my mind that i will be passing it on time. this isn't good. i was thinking that if i told robbie about my homework, he'll make a way just to give me what i needed. if i'll tell it to him now, i know he'll sort of scold be for being so negligent.
also, i miss talking to him in person. our shallowness in some things (we laugh about the littlest things). he's a good listener and i was the talker. i can tell him everything but has limit of course, my emotions is an included factor. there was never a dull moment with him, oh i almost forgot, except those times when we had some misunderstandings. but that didn't took so long.. it was also nice to know that his parents liked me. i was able to meet them once.
he truly gave me a worth-keeping memory..
i guess i'm being selfish... why can't i love him? is it still because of anton? i won't push myself either. oh goodness, how i miss him...
i woke up this morning seeing the sun after those unceasing raindrops.. it made me feel so happy. there is really something overpowering with the sunrays that changes somebody's mood in just an instant. waking up with light and not with those too thick clouds gave me an awesome feeling.. with the sun, i could barely see everything around me.. finally, the sky stopped crying. but wait a minute, isn't it that after every rain there must be a rainbow? where is it now? is there something wrong?
i miss seeing the rainbow.. but i'm glad that the sun now replaced the storm..
my birthday will be coming so soon.. but unlike every girl i know i'm not as excited as they are. honestly, i can't really understand why people, especially adolescent females, think that their debut in one of those major concerns. i find celebrating a debut so traditional and not practical. why spend hundreds of thousands for just one night when we all know that majority of the Philippine population is below poverty level. my mom said that it's every girl's dream; to wear the gown exclusively made for them, to dance with the 18 men of their lives, to receive 18 gifts, to hear 18 soulful messages and so on.. oh well, these are all true but i told my mom that one's source of joy is different from the other's.. but she still insists. though what she wants could be the best thing, still it might not be what qould make me happy. i want to have a break from everything. i want REST which i wasn't able to get during the summer vacation. i want to drain my thoughts and free my minds from the stress and depression it absorbed during the past few months..
after 1 year of being an engineering student, i was kicked out from La Salle. that was the saddest part of my life as of now. i never felt so melancholic before. i felt like a crap. i was almost suicidal. nobody knew how miserable it was. no one would understand me. i told my mom that i don't want to study anymore. i was frustrated (though i never dreamt of being an engineer). i felt like i threw everything i have. i felt so helpless. it wasn't cureable. my friends were gone, so as the people's attention. the pain nearly killed me. but it can be replaced.. i started again from scratch. before i was the Lee girl and the prettiest girl in the block but now, being an irregular student i couldn't have deep relationship with friends and all. i am not as happy as i was when i was in velasco (eng bldg). but, i'm still Thankful because God continues to bless me. He provides for my tuition fee. He takes care of me. He gives me strength and He loves me though i am nothing but a sinner.
now i can laugh about this even though the pain is still there.. a nice celebration for for me is a vacation. all i want for my birthday is to see my parents delighted because i know i am not the perfect daughter for them..
it's cold and wet outside and i'm stuck inside the house with not too much of boredom. i haven't seen the sunset and the sunrise this past few days because it's always dark and cloudy outside. though the atmosphere looks so sad i wasn't affected by it because i can i am feeling great. i focused my attention to the happy side of my life. i really feel so blessed because God made my life so meaningful. i saw the small and quite unrecognizable things that, ironically, should be taken for consideration. i love my life and i'm starting to love those unwanted side of it like, frustration. i'm glad because i think i got over him and i'm getting used to my new school. i'm feeling good because i'm thinking good thoughts and i'm doing good (i think).
this is a relief, a great liberation... i'm now untangled from depression.
i went out with someone a while ago for lunch. i didn't want to go home yet because i have nothing to do at home. but surprisingly, nothing could be as boring as what happened to me few minutes ago. so i couldn't help it but to write it on here because it can be a part of my history. it is more boring than a 3-hour class discussing about history (though i like history) with a 60-year-old professor. i am not exaggerating here but it's really a fact! okei, it's like this,,, he invited me to eat lunch with him. aside from the fact that he is not gentleman because: he doesn't open doors for me; he didn't get the utensils and he almost forgot about me when a friend of him came! isn't he a bastard? i know, i know.. he's not obliged to do all those stuffs and i'm not also demanding him to do so.. maybe i was just used to be treated like a lady by my former friends in eng ( oh, how i miss them so much!).. dead air is all i can remember for this. i'm a cheerful person and i'm easy to get along with but what happened a while ago was unforgivable, though i'm not mad and of course i wasn't blissed out. *sigh* this isn't good. how i wish i stayed at home instead...
i liked it though it was too early in the morning because of the pleasing atmosphere. i saw familiar faces in class especially my blockmate jax. A vietnamese (who ;doesn't know any tagalog word) sat beside me. it was fun and at the same time not-so-good. fun because i can practice speaking english and vice versa because i'm not so good at it orally. the session was good. the prof is i guess serious and trying-to-be-lively type, which is nice.
Prinman: 940-1110
i didn't know anyone but one familiar face. i sat beside her, Josie. i think i can geet along her pretty well because she seems to be mice and i guess she likes studying so much, not to mention that she was also an engineering student. our prof is an old lady but youth at heart and that made her cool. she has the ability to catch everybody's attention and she's lively but o think she doesn't give high grades so i really need to study.
Ordev-A 1120-1220
jackie and ariane are my classmates also Robert(the cute guy from our BMAT2). it was so boring though the activity was great. i feel like i am tempted to cut.
Natsc13 100-230
so many familiar faces. the prof is quite boring but i think she's not too hot tp handle.
Joseriz 240-410
it was a new scenario for me to be included in an HRIM group of students. everybody was in business attire and was groomed well. new ambiance and a colder room. our prof is sort of a "hopeless romantic" type because he likes talking about personal things and love though he, according to him, is happily married. he was coo; especially when he asked me if i have a boyfriend. everybody laughed. he has a sense of humor. he is also considerate because i told him thay ariane and i might be consistently late because before his class we have a class on the main bldg. he agreed and gave us up to 250 before considering us late.
Dynarel 420-550
i don't know anyone but there are two girls who are familiar. our prof seems to be kind and not boring. he dismissed us early since it's first day.
all the things i wrote are only "impressions". i hope these will last but i don't want to expect.
one year had passed but still i cannot say that i've forgotten you. it wasn't easy and it's still not, so many pretentions and lies, so many unpleasing emotions and all. i'm still muddled. i kept asking myself why did things happen and why did he go. still unanswered. still unclear. still finding a way out.
i don't know what to say anymore.. this isn't good.
the last kiss tasted like tobacco a bitter and sad smell
tomorrow, at this time where will you be? who will you be thinking about?
you are always gonna be my love even if I fall in love with someone once again I'll remember to love you taught me how you are always gonna be the one it's still a sad song until I can sing a new song
the paused time is about to start moving there's many things that I don't want to forget about
tomorrow, at this time I will probably be crying I will probably be thinking about you
you will always be inside my heart you will always have your own place I hope that I have a place in your heart too now and forever you are still the one it's still a sad song until I can sing a new song
you are always gonna be my love even if I fall in love with someone once again I'll remember to love you taught me how you are always gonna be the one it's still a sad song until I can sing a new song
religiously speaking, women are sinful. women exist to tempt men. giving birth is the most painful thing/experience that can happen. women give birth because they are the ones who first sinned. women are afterthought of male. because of the loneliness of men, women were made. after eating the forbidden fruit, men and women were placed in the "REAL WORLD", full of sorrow and pain. women should serve men as a part of their punishment.
are these true? these are what my prof told us in sociology.
i wonder why does the rain gives us a lonely feeling?
sometimes rain is related to crying.. its as if the sky is shedding tears. it's supposed to bring happiness because it cleanses the land, prevents drought, and provides water for the dying plants. the negative side of it: it brings flood, destroys houses, and spreads several illnesses. rainy season sometimes gives an awful sight because of darkness that maybe an illustration of hopelessness; unceas ing raindrops for anxiousness and so on..
i met ken again after more than a year... he looks nice and seems to be happy. he's more good-looking now than before. my heart ran heavily when i saw him. i don't know why. our memories went into my mind again and it became disturbing..
i saw him in a friend's debut last august 6. the moment we saw him my friends couldn't stop teasing me and that made me feel awkward because it was too obvious. we were in the same table and i guess he's hearing everything that my friend's telling about us. i whispered to them to stop but they closed their ear and pretended not to hear anything. it was too embarrassing. on the picture-taking, ken stood up beside me so i didn't know what to do. i was really trying to act normal then but i couldn't. it was not a happy ending for us and it's all my fault, no doubt about it. i was cruel that time to him. i have no one to blame but myself for our not-so-good ending. sometimes i wish to turn back time so i can make it up for him but its impossible. there's nothing i can do about the past, i can't change it. maybe i hurt him that much. honestly, i didn't like that fact. i like making people happy but i wasn't able to give him that. maybe our relationship was totally wrong. i liked him. i don't know if i loved him. but i really missed him.
it was nice seeing him again even though we didn't got the opportunity to talk to each other. i have no regrets in having a relationship with him. as selfish as it may seem, maybe because i wasn't that hurt.
it was fun reminiscing about a jittery part of life or some kind of 'puppy love' we may call it not serious but its really pleasurable though it was not perfect (because nothing is) and it brought pain to others and maybe to ourselves as well.
in every circumstance, there's a lesson learned. no matter how meaningless a thing may seem, it can be great depending on how a person think or interpret it..
I've started reading a book yesterday. "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" 's the title. I wasn't bored with it at all because it teaches people to learn how to WAIT, to have the patience in waiting. There was a story stated there about a guy named Peter. He is the best example of imparience. One day, a fairy gave him a silver ball and around it was a gold thread. The thread is his time here on earth. The fairy told him that he can pull the thread whenever he wants to make things faster or to simply to skip the moment but she gave him a warning, that he cannot bring back the time again. So what Peter did is to pull the thread whenever the time isn't good for him. He pulled the thread to make him work instead of studying. Even in his marriage, he made the day of his marriage too soon. Until he realizes that his losing the thread, that his life was ending. He regretted every single moment when he rushed his life. He felt as if his life was meaningless but he cannot turn back time. "If we allow impatience to govern us, we will miss the gift of the moment." It seems so difficult to be patient while waiting especially in love life. Everyone wants security and care. "The Right Thing at The Wrong Time is The Wrong Thing." Like having sex before marriage.. this is the most common example for this but very profound. Most people who indulge in sex thinks that their in love, but what they so not know is that what they feel is lust.
LOVE does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always hopes, always pereveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS.
